


Regarding Dean

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, M/M, Sexual Content, post s13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 17:55:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18833770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: Just a little drabble I found buried in my mass of WIPS





	Regarding Dean

Dean’s 19 the first time he realizes maybe he’s not quite as straight as expected. He’s injured so he’s been sidelined while John and Sam are working a case and as much as he loves watching porn, it’s just not doing anything for him tonight. He switches channels to find something else and ends up watching two dudes going at it in the back of a pickup truck. He comes harder than he has in months.

He ends up buying himself a cheap laptop at a pawn shop so John and Sam can’t track his porn and gets into different stuff more and more.

Goes out to a bar one night where he’s seen dudes pick up dudes before and wears his tightest jeans and a t-shirt that barely fits over his arm and he spends the night bent over the pool table until this one dude starts getting all touchy and Dean lets him fuck him over the hood of the Impala out behind the bar.

He doesn’t consider using toys until he’s 24 and Sam’s at Stanford. Dean and John work a case for a woman who turns out to own a sex shop (though this information is only disclosed discreetly to Dean) and is more than happy to show her thanks in unconventional ways (ie. pegging Dean and riding him until he can’t see straight). She leaves him with a ‘care package’ when he goes in the morning which turns out to be various toys and lube.

Dean meets a guy somewhere along their travels and falls for him hard, he and John are based in one town for a few weeks so dean spends a lot of time with him and even considers giving up hunting or maybe staying and working out of one town so he mentions it to John one night and John loses it and goes on about his mom and Dean tries to explain that he would still help but he’d come home here after and John gets pissed about him dropping everything for some girl and Dean blurts out that it’s not a girl and he’s worth the sacrifice but John’s furious and they fight stuff john leaves so dean packs his stuff and goes to see the guy who is pissed when Dean shows up with a black eye but Dean shrugs it off and explains what happened

Stays with him for a few months and even gets a proper job and finishes his high school degree online and everything is great until someone calls looking for John and when Dean says he hasn’t seen him he starts to panic. He tells his boyfriend he’s sympathetic and encouraging, but Dean knows if he leaves it’s not temporary - if he leaves, this is it for them because if he gets back into hunting again, his boyfriend will be in danger and all of the friends he’s made here. He thinks about it for a week before quitting his job and telling his bf the truth, naturally this goes over terribly - again - and he thinks Dean’s just looking for an excuse to get out so he kicks him out and Dean’s devastated but he moves forward and goes looking for John because what else is he supposed to do.

There is no sign of John anywhere and Dean’s starting from scratch so he has to get new credit cards because all he’s got is half a tank of gas and a couple hundred bucks in his wallet and that won’t get him far and when he can’t get any further on his own bc John obviously doesn’t want to be found, he goes to find Sam.

They fight initially bc Sam lost Jess and a much as Dean says that he gave things up for this too, he can’t bring himself to tell Sam just what he gave up in case he had the same reaction as John did.

Dean changes after that, he goes back to sleeping strictly with women and if that doesn’t do it for him well he won’t be getting off tonight, and he never sees the same person twice because twice now his job has fucked things up for him so there’s no point in trying - it’s either lie the whole time or have them leave because they think you’re insane.

Castiel is different.

At first, Dean’s not sure what to make of him bc he’s an angel and he’s always been told they’re not real, plus it doesn’t help that the rest of them are a bunch of dicks. Cas though, Cas seems different.

He doesn’t realize how much, not really, until the first time he loses him. They’re in Chuck’s house when he finds out and it’s like the bottom of his stomach has fallen out and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Cas comes back to him though, time after time, rebelling against heaven and the only, family he’s ever known to keep Dean safe and stand at his side. He screws up sometimes, choosing the wrong side or doing something that inevitably makes things worse, but he tries and most of the time Dean’s just glad he’s still there.

They’ve been through everything together - Dean’s rise from hell, the apocalypse, Sam losing his soul - and through it all there’s no one else Dean would rather have at his side. They’re brothers in arms, much the same and Sam and Cas are, but there’s a distinct difference that’s not obvious from the outside - a more profound bond, as Cas so eloquently put it.

And then there’s Rexford.

Cas has been through so damn much in the past few years, from dying and coming back without his memory to being completely reprogrammed and forced to kill copies of Dean over and over and then finally, when he thought he was getting back on track and doing the right thing, being betrayed and having his grace stolen. Then on top of that, Dean can’t let him stay. It’s the hardest thing he’s ever done, especially considering Cas is now human and prone to human needs and desires - something Dean’s realized in recent years he’d very much like to be the one to teach him about.

Only then Cas finds himself a job in Rexford, Idaho and when he calls with a case, Dean’s out the door immediately. He works the case, and Cas gets drawn in despite his hesitation, but it’s what happens afterward that really sticks with Dean. They spend most of the night in the hospital to get Cas’ hand fixed up after it’s broken, an Dean drives them to a motel for the night because he’s too tired to worry about anything else, and Cas is too proud to admit to him that he doesn’t have anywhere to go. They shower separately and drink cheap whiskey and when Dean leans in a little too close, Cas kisses him.

He spends the rest of the night proving to Dean that he needs no introduction to human wants and desires.

Dean likes Cas as a human. He’s awkward and too enthusiastic, but they’re on the same level now and Dean sneaks out to see him in Idaho once he’s set up in a proper apartment. He teaches him how to protect his newly human body in a fight, and introduces Cas to all his favorite movies, but there’s never a repeat of the babysitting night, much to Dean’s disappointment. Cas doesn’t stay human for long though - another disappointment - and with his humanity goes any lingering chance that maybe, just maybe, Dean could have something solid in his life.

He doesn’t talk about his feelings for his best friend, for the angel who literally pulled him from hell, but he thinks Sam knows. He’d have to be an idiot not to.

Then there’s Abbadon and Amara and Dean goes through a minor spell as a demon, and despite it all, Cas stands by him. There’s no one more dedicated to pulling him back from the edge than Sam or Cas, and Dean doesn’t even the wherewithal at the time to be grateful for it. He apologizes later, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, but then it’s just one more thing in the past and then Sam’s been kidnapped by the British sector of the Men of Letters and Dean’s starting to wonder how much is too much.

The answer, he learns the following year - after the birth of Lucifer’s son and another one of Cas’ terrible, terrible missteps - is losing Cas for good.

Sam is there through all of it, but Dean’s the one who finds him, wings burnt into the dirt, and Dean’s the one who carries him inside and lies him on the table. Dean’s the one who wraps him and cries over him, and Dean’s the one who ultimately burns his body. He stands with Sam and Jack and watches flames engulf the body of the man he loves, the man he could never admit to loving while he was still alive.

Nothing matters after that. Sam tries to teach Jack, to reason with him and explain that Dean’s outbursts aren’t to do with him, but Dean couldn’t care less. Fuck it. Maybe if Jack gets mad enough, he’ll do something really stupid and Dean will just be another casualty of an uncontrollable inhuman. He knows what heaven’s like, and just maybe he’s done enough good in his time here that he’ll warrant some weird holo-Cas when he dies, at least it would be better than being here alone.

Everything changes when they’re driving along a dark highway and Dean’s phone rings.

He’ll never forget that phone call. He’ll never forget driving at full-speed with Sam nattering at him in the passenger’s seat, and he’ll never forget that first sight. The coat is different, but that seems to be a thing with Cas coming back from the dead, so he doesn’t question it. Sam doesn’t know what to say, which is fair, because they burned his body, this shouldn’t be possible, and yet here he is. The words _I do_ drop from Dean’s lips like he’s been rehearsing them. He doesn’t say anything, per se, but when he cups Cas’ face and kisses him like it’s the end of the world all over again, Cas seems to get the picture.

Sam drives back home that night and Dean tries to keep his hands to himself, but Cas is alive and solid and real and he fails miserably. Cas doesn’t seem to mind nearly as much as Sam does. When they get home, Cas gets to meet Jack, and Dean forces himself into the kitchen to make dinner both to keep himself occupied so he doesn’t jump Cas in the middle of the library, and to give Jack some time to get acquainted with the man who essentially became his father before he was even born.

When they finally go to bed, he tells Cas 'I love you’ and it’s the first time he’s said it in years, but this time it really feels right. Cas kisses him again and takes him to bed, stripping down and curling up next to him despite not needing to sleep and Dean’s never felt more at peace. They don’t sleep for a long time, but once Dean’s exhausted he curls into Cas’ side and wonders if maybe he’s getting close to his end. Maybe once they deal with Lucifer and once that weird rip in the universe has been mended, he can retire - for real, this time - and maybe Cas will stay with him. Even if he doesn’t; even if he hunts till the day he dies, it’ll be okay, he thinks, so long as Cas is with him.


End file.
